I really hate the wording of this question!!
Here’s the thing most parents REALLY don’t want to recognize:
Your child’s behavior is a DIRECT result of YOUR habits of mind.
And this presents several problems:
- habits of mind are invisible; we’ve been doing them so long that they seem obvious, normal, “correct” … lots of neural infrastructure has been built up around and in support of these habits; we’ve begun to think of them as “me” and for compensatory reasons, we must think of me as “good”
- parents don’t want to believe that they are the problem
because if they did, THEY would
- feel guilt, duty, responsibility … perhaps even shame (unpleasant feelings)
- have to change and at one level of the brain, “change” feels like the “death of me”
As such, there are all sorts of auto-stabilizing forces that seek to prevent major change and identity reorganization from happening.
And when parents don’t want to feel guilty, or responsible, or change themselves, the very convenient and obvious scapegoat is the child ….
“there is something wrong with you!! we must fix or reset you. this is your fault”
At this point, I feel the urge to say something angry and critical to such parents. But the honest, true, and grounded facts are that it is not their fault. This is an artifact of the way our brains work and of our current level of cultural and biological evolution. These people are, as are all of us, really doing the best with what they know and have available at every given moment. Self forgiveness is the key!!
PS If you don’t believe me, just watch enough episodes of “My Cat from Hell” or the “Dog Whisperer” (Ceasar Milan). If you pay close attention, in EVERY episode, the pet’s problem stems directly from the owners personality issues. Just like someone who offends you, the animal is a window into your own inner state.
For more info, you can read about “homeostasis preservation”