You are not alone … I’d bet that (with or without mental illness) WAY over 90% of people question and doubt their relationships. It’s almost impossible not to do so.
To maintain stability, our brains hide certain beliefs and process from us. They are kept unconscious for the natural and healthy reasons of comfort, energy conservation and homeostasis preservation.
But our relationship partners aren’t operating by the same unconscious rules … so they act out things that remind-us of this material that is SUPPOSED to remain hidden. This causes us uncomfortable feelings, and we both judge and try to control them. Anything to stop those bad feelings that WOULD HAVE (only as a child) overwhelmed our system.
In addition to finding and sticking with really good therapy, unless your safety is at risk in the relationship, my advice is to:
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Remember that almost everyone is judging their partner
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Set the accuracy question (re partner criticism) aside for a few months
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Notice your triggers and judgements about them (plus any urges to control or fix)
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Use those experiences to deepen your confidence that:
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Feelings are just transient states in the body
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You can handle any of them without letting them overtake you (or cause negative predictions about the future)
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Transcending your need to escape them, is retraining your nervous system and healing your emotional baggage
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They pass quickly when they receive your full attention
Dewey Gaedcke’s answer to What are the benefits of seeking therapy?