It is absolutely certain that well understood brain processes (denial, dissociation, codependence, Stockholm syndrome, rationalization, excessive empathy and fear) all cause otherwise competent adults to remain in toxic and painful relational dynamics.
That’s a fact of science, but it does not explain why people FOCUS SO MUCH on the “abuser” … why so much time, energy and words labeling and describing the characteristics of their ex-lover??
All of these “NPD’s are like THIS” meme’s tend to assume fixed and rigid personality and behavior. So they ignore context … the triggering dynamic between to humans with their own wounds. It’s like they’ve never considered that the school bully acts differently toward the wrestling team captain and the math geek.
The reason they ignore context, is because it would force them to honestly acknowledge that only certain specific personality types are prone to codependence, excessive empathy, and Stockholm. It would make it quite clear that THEY NEED TO CHANGE.
And all humans possess (in their unconscious) a “[homeostasis preservation](https://www.quora.com/search?q=homeostasis%20preservation&author=84795924 “www.quora.com”)” program that creates fear and avoidance in response to the prospect of changing who I think I am. It makes us avoid considering that our core habits, strategies and personality traits are putting us in harms way and may need to be modified. Therefore, it’s much easier to focus on “what he/she did to me”, than to own and work with my own power to change myself. To become less susceptible to tolerating such shit.
It’s an avoidance of responsibility that comes from early childhood conditioning. I’ve written about it here
Dewey Gaedcke’s answer to How do you teach people accountability and to stop being a victim?
https://www.quora.com/search?q=homeostasis%20preservation&author=84795924