Some of the absolute best therapists generally request a contract at the beginning of treatment. The relevant part says something like:
“If I decide to quit therapy, I will commit to come three more times so that we can study and observe my exit decision”
If you think like me, when I first heard this, I thought: “what a crock of shit … I decide you’re not helping, or competent at your job, and I still have to exert myself, and pay you three more times?”
But now that I’ve spent decades studying the unconscious, and been trained by some of the best, this policy is important and magically genius. Here is why:
There is a part of your unconscious that I call the “systemic stabilizer”. And it’s #1 job is “homeostasis preservation”.
What this means is that it’s tasked with NOT ALLOWING your sense of self, or sense of the world, to be destabilized in such a way, as to invalidate your familiar and hard-earned coping strategies. This is the force behind the well recognized term “resistance”.
Every time you see people on Quora, framing all their personal and relationship problems as EXCLUSIVELY the fault of their ex asshole/NPD partner, you would be wise to perceive this a direct expression of “I don’t need to change” …. “I was healthy and happy, and all my problems are their fault”.
Now don’t get me wrong … homeostasis preservation (aka resistance and denial) is a feature, not a bug. But that does not make it accurate. It simply tells us more about the workings of the unconscious mind. And we can use those workings to craft more elegant interventions.
The unconscious mind is INCREDIBLY wise. And like rain-man, it knows how to make very fast and accurate calculations, about which destabilizations will be tolerable, and which ones would be too disruptive.
This calculation HINGES upon what other resources are available in the system to get needs met, once this one (old) coping strategy is gone or invalidated.
If the unconscious detects sufficient resources in that area, it won’t fight impending change nearly as ferociously. But if it detects a deficit of resources in the area under consideration, it will fight tooth-and nail to prevent any fundamental change.
Any sane person will admit that getting my future self to a different place than where I find my present self, will require me to behave differently going forward. In other words, if you want a different outcome, change is usually required!!
So it seems that this systemic-stabilizer is in the way of doing good therapy. It seems to be blocking (aka resistance to) necessary growth.
And this is true for with therapists of weak or mediocre skill. But a master therapist can respect and honor this resistance, and use it as a guide to which NEW resources must be taught or installed, in order to facilitate positive change.
In other words, once a master therapist gives you NEW TOOLS, to meet old or existing needs, you NO LONGER need to hold so tightly to your old coping strategies.
The systemic stabilizer will stop fighting so hard, and positive change and growth is now possible.
With all of that background, let me get back to the essence of your question….
The desire to quit therapy is quite common. Sometimes your psyche needs a break. Sometimes you intuitively sense that your therapist is not helping you move … not a great fit for helping you change.
But 80% of the time, your systemic-stabilizer is TERRIFIED. It senses you getting near some major change, and it MUST NOT ALLOW you to be stripped of essential weapons. In short, your brain is tricking you, into abandoning much of the hard work you have just invested in personal growth.
For this reason, it’s ALWAYS WISE to take the ending of a therapeutic process QUITE SLOWLY!!
Dewey Gaedcke’s answer to What are the benefits of seeking therapy?
PS for the linguistic nit-pickers in the room, when I use the term “part” of your mind, or “part” of your unconscious, I am referring to a PROCESS, not a physical region or thing!!