I would not say you are abusing your abuser. I WOULD say you are abusing YOURSELF!!
I say this for two reasons:
- When I need to practice self-care and respect for myself, I DO NOT leave control of that project in the hands of another fallible human. If the person will not give me the space to care for myself, then I will leave rather than trying to CONTROL THEM. Giving them the option to (not) “stop” is both disempowering, and self-abusing. You are setting yourself up for failure when you try to control another human. Especially under strong emotion.
- By the time someone has triggered you ENOUGH to make YOU start acting abusively (i.e. yelling), you are now feeling hypocritical and unworthy of asking them to refrain from the SAME BEHAVIOR. You’ve just disempowered yourself again
The sad truth is that people (unconsciously) don’t want you to change … if you do, it interferes with their own self-care (need meeting) strategies and even worse, it FRIGHTENS them because each of us contains a deep evolutionary program to resist change.
Positive personal growth requires getting comfortable spending a lot of time with your own awesome self. Don’t try to mix your growth needs, with people who are not doing their own emotional work.
Dewey Gaedcke’s answer to What are the benefits of seeking therapy?
The drive for Homeostasis Preservation