Prior to the terrible two’s, you can think of every child as hyper-empathic. They are completely dependent and vulnerable, and must quickly “read” (intuitively) & adapt to their environmental circumstances. This means quickly discerning what pleases or displeases those key adults.
This empathic process (operating through visual cues & limbic resonance) means the child is deeply connected (& affected by) to the feeling states of primary caregivers.
And this “deeply connected” internal state, forms a barrier, a wall, and a reality as to which behaviors are acceptable, and which are not. You could envision this as a border (not to be crossed) between “relational” and “non-relational” behaviors between intimate insiders. Betrayal is out of the question. It’s not a conscious or intellectual rule, but a deeply felt-sense in the same way that a baby is drawn to the nipple.
Biology & evolution also insists that the child “individuate” … i.e. separate from this state of ubiquitous oneness. This process starts with the terrible-two’s. It means exploring power, preferences, choice & control. How am I similar? How am I different? Which of my preferences are embraced & encouraged by the big-people.
Which are rejected? And most importantly, which are so bad they (implicitly) justify breaching that “relational” border … those worthy of betrayal and shame. In other words, which aspects of my emerging personality cause my parents to break the rules and become non-relational toward me. This parental betrayal enters through that same (wide open) limbic channel, and makes her judge, reject or dislike herself.
While all of this is happening in the development of the child, you have the parents running their own unconscious processes. Most all of us have seen “denial” in action … you tell a friend something “destabilizing” (e.g. your partner is cheating), and you watch their brain move focus and attention to something totally unrelated. Their unconscious is telling you (verbatim): I do not have the emotional tools to face this reality & still remain stable/functional …. so I must pretend I never heard it.
Denial is just a concrete & visible version of what ALL OF US ARE DOING MOST OF THE TIME. We are managing away from destabilizing feelings & experiences. I call this “[homeostasis preservation](https://www.quora.com/search?q=homestasis%20preservation&author=84795924 “www.quora.com”)” (HP) and it’s just usually much more subtle, & thus harder to see.
If you want an example of this, go look at my harshest and most real Quora posts; you will encounter crickets … no comments (for or against) … and very few votes (up or down) … it’s just ZERO engagement. This is a “tell” that what I’ve written is threatening or destabilizing to those readers. It’s not that it’s right or wrong … they would argue/debate/confront in those cases … rather, it’s that the unconscious mind WON’T ALLOW them to engage with it.
In my answer describing codependence formation, I described how the adult is unconsciously terrified (avoidant & unable to engage with) by their deep, old, feelings of overwhelm & burden. If it were conscious, they could apply many tools to manage it … by staying unconscious, the only option is to deflect & deny the child’s “burdensome” requests.
But the situation is FLIPPED with the NPD. Her parents recognize (albeit unconsciously) that they have also breached the parent-child bond. They have dumped their own deep shame onto their child and left her with a chunk of their own self-loathing. They feel (subliminally) incredibly ashamed of their betrayal & indebted (from guilt) to this kid, but that process is all beneath awareness. But it’s still there an needs to be managed in the adult for them to remain functional.
Just like the rest of us, the parents of the NPD are actively working to avoid bumping into that shame & others of their own painful wounds. When you have betrayed a child, and breached your duty, the guilt can be immense. To compensate, these parents forgive, coddle, tolerate, flex, justify and rationalize. They excuse atrocious behavior & model such confusing & painful notions of love, that the child learns not to trust it. And simultaneously becomes conditioned with the knowledge that there are no substantive consequences to breaching the social contracts of relational behavior.
The permissiveness, lack of healthy boundaries, coupled with the deep carried shame mixes perfectly to shape a personality that is anti-social, and ALL ABOUT ME.
Trump is such a perfect example of the direct result of this process … my next research inquiry must be into the mechanisms by which his supporters are so effectively able to deflect and not see it.
Dewey Gaedcke’s answer to How do you teach people accountability and to stop being a victim?
Dewey Gaedcke’s answer to How do you teach people accountability and to stop being a victim?
https://www.quora.com/search?q=homestasis%20preservation&author=84795924