When you say “hear and understand”, my internal-interpretive-framework converts that (rightly or wrongly) into:
Join with me in the story/conclusion/assumption that my perceptions & experiences represent absolute reality. In other words, I see you as asking your therapist to jump on the same worldview train as you.
And while connection/empathy is VITAL for good therapy, asking them to accept your reality on it’s face is unwise for a couple of reasons.
- You are paying them to help YOU CHANGE … and your habits of thought are crucial to this project
- Your worldview is subjective. Some people feel offended when you call them “tall”. Others feel proud and flattered. Same word, but different reactions … that is called “interpretive framework”.
- You have a “homeostasis preservation” (don’t change) program built into your DNA by evolution/god. When you ask your therapist to jump too fully into the same thinking system as you, you give this program full control … to your own detriment.
This might offend a lot of people, but those with the emotional courage to tolerate their feelings should get a very clear sense for what I’m trying to illuminate.
Imagine two distinct rapes … one is against your NPD ex-spouse (#1) who is manipulative, controlling, and must always win. Another rape is against a frail & fragile person (#2) who’s never felt free to assert themselves, or be in charge.
Can you recognize that the experience of being raped may impact #2 for years to come. Potentially even further damaging his/her identity and sense of self?
Now consider the effect of this very similar rape on #1. As a controlling and in-charge person, he/she will be FURIOUS; almost apoplectic for weeks to come. But eventually, they will have a laugh and a beer about it. It won’t redefine their identity or leave a lasting mark. Why, because they ARE NOT stuck in “[deferral of assertion](https://www.quora.com/How-do-you-teach-people-accountability-and-to-stop-being-a-victim/answer/Dewey-Gaedcke-1 “www.quora.com”)” as explained here.
You WANT to change your thinking, so that you’ll posses a similar resilience (a super-power) as is carried by the NPD.
Getting back to your question, Somatic Therapy has been WAY MORE productive for me than CBT. My favorite is Hakomi but SE is great too.
Dewey Gaedcke’s answer to How do you teach people accountability and to stop being a victim?