It’s actually quite straight forward and predictable!!
These are the (unconscious) steps … they:
- identify how this person (prospective partner) gets and manages self esteem
- they frame their own selfish behavior in a way that requires their partner to accept it, because
- to reject the NPD behavior, would rob the “victim” of their core esteem-gathering tool
To get specific:
Most victims of NPD abuse (frequently codependent and related strategies) are carrying unconscious shame (just like the NPD).
Both partners are constantly working (unconscious homeostasis preservation) to mediate, medicate and ameliorate this shame (low self-worth). The NPD achieves this goal by being worshiped … by having status, shining image, and seeming to do no wrong.
The victim, achieves this goal by being a noble, loyal, good, forgiving, consistent, big-hearted and a devoted lover/partner/friend.
As long as they see the NPD as a suffering and wounded human in need, they would be “selfish and disloyal” to abandon them. It would rob them of their most important addiction and self-image strategy.
But once they can reframe the NPD as “evil”, manipulative, abusive, etc, they are now fully justified in breaking with their “loyal” self-image, because they are STILL LOYAL to “good people”.
With this framing, they CAN NOW EXIT, without the shame becoming conscious or overwhelming them. The act of abandonment no longer triggers the unconscious “I’m a bad person” trauma.
In short, it’s the unconscious addiction to a specific “noble” self-image, that largely keeps them unable to free themselves.
PS: I was recently attacked for [this answer](https://www.quora.com/What-exactly-is-a-narcissist-person-How-do-we-identify-them-and-protect- ourselves-from-them/answer/Dewey-Gaedcke-1 “www.quora.com”), and in her attack, she wrote:
“The reason we are their (NPD) targets is because they know we care way more about others than ourselves”
And that seems to validate & prove exactly what I’m saying here.
But a simplistic thinker, might just say: “Caring about others is simply the definition of a good person; You cannot indite someone for that, as if it’s a crime!!”
And I would agree with them, but I would refer them to the above paragraph about identity preservation. About self-image. I would ask them if they would want their precious child to suffer and martyr themself in this way??? They consistently say “no”. And then I ask “Is your child not good??” And they always say their child can be good WHILE ALSO exercising good self-care. So why is this not true for them??
And now we come back to unconscious personality strategy … per this post!
To wrap up, let me be clear that I NEVER BLAME people … especially for unconscious patterns that they never could have chosen or controlled. But that DOES NOT mean they will not infer or perceive blame, from THEIR INTERPRETATION of my words. And that is all happening INSIDE THEM … outside of my ability to help!! But it is instructive of something they may wish to change in themselves.
Dewey Gaedcke’s answer to How do you teach people accountability and to stop being a victim?